Tattoo In My Heart
by lollyunicorn
Summary: A year passed. Then two. Then the third year crept up on Ian, and he was sure he would never see Anthony again. The words coming out of Anthony's mouth "I'll come back. I promise" had made Ian so sure. Then again, Ian's unconditional love for Anthony had grown too strong to doubt that he would come back. [WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE; DRINKING; MAJORRRR IANTHONY]
1. Chapter 1

_"ANTHONY!" I tried yelling, but it wouldn't come out as I expected. I tried running, but the more I tried, the more I got stuck in this nightmare. Then it happened. The thing I dreaded seeing. He collapsed. Like a rag doll falling from it's owner's grip, just falling like a lifeless corpse. I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled with tears until I couldn't see. I couldn't even blink. The tears ran down my cheek, down onto my neck, and onto my ripped shirt. That was when I could run. I sprinted towards him. I sprinted, but the path just got longer. "PLEASE! ANTHONY!" It felt like hours until I finally reached him. Everything was in slow motion and my vision was caught off guard. What felt like a puncture in my heart, was a broken heart. The lifeless body of Anthony Padilla, right in front of me. My knees gave up and fell next to him, my torso hovering above him. My hands cupped my face, and my head fell onto his chest as I wept, trying to get him to wake up, but I knew he wouldn't. He would stay in the trance of death. I screamed, because I knew no one could hear me. I screamed as loud as I could. I pounded the floor with my fists until they ripped and left my hands raw. I cried his name as much as I could, believing he would wake up, but he didn't. He never will._

* * *

I woke up with sweat dripping down my forehead. I felt out of breath and looked around for my inhaler. I crawled over to it, grabbed it, and breathed in. I felt my eyes puffy, probably from the crying. I put my hand to my heart, and felt it pounding like it was trying to escape. Like it was trying to escape the feeling, the thoughts and the sadness of the recurring nightmare. I looked over to the clock, and it read _4:16am_

I was never sure why I had that nightmare every so often, but I hated it. I hated it so much. Three years without Anthony have been three years of hell. Don't get me wrong, Kalel is an amazing girl, but he left me. He left me on October 17, 2014. A week after the marriage I have been dreading since July of 2013. It's been three years, 5 months, three days and counting since I have last gotten contact of Anthony.


	2. Chapter 2

hope·less [hohp-lis]

adjective

providing no hope; beyond optimism or hope; desperate.

* * *

My name is Ian Hecox. My name is Ian Hecox, and I am depressed. My name is Ian Hecox, and I miss Anthony Padilla. I want him back. I need him back. I've heard the saying 'I feel empty without you', but I've never felt that way. Not until he left. I've never felt like there was a part of me missing. I've never felt like there was something that was meant to be with me, but just wasn't there. I do need Anthony, but at the same time, I need a drink. I walked down the empty streets of my neighbourhood, dimly lit by the streetlights that often flickered on and off. I kept on walking with my hands in my pockets while in a fist, shivering a little from the night breeze. I stopped in front of the nearest pub I could find, and went inside.

Sitting next to me was a guy about my age, looking down at a picture on his lap. I could see the sadness on his face, so I had to ask. "Hey, you okay?" He looked up at me and blinked away his tears and instead took a sip from his cup filled with vodka.

"Yeah, uh. It's just my brother." He replied in the shiest tone.

"What happened?" Sometimes, I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

"He died." I froze. Those two words. Those two words were the words that struck me.

"I'm so sorry…" I looked down and the bartender asked me for my drink. "Uh… I'll have a whiskey." I've never been a big alcohol drinker, but ever since Anthony left, I thought why not.

"It was a fire." The man said quietly, looking down at the photo.

"Excuse me?"

"My brother died in a fire down in L.A," I was confused why this man was sharing this information with me, but I sat, listened, and quickly consumed my whiskey. "and I wasn't there to help him." He paused for a while, but hearing that made my brows furrow and my eyes saw the pain in his. "Do you know what it feels like? To have someone you've loved for your whole entire life, and them be gone, just like that?"

I've thought about that everyday. A hole in my heart that Anthony had previously owned was replaced by sadness and sorrow. That sadness and sorrow will be there forever. Like a tattoo imprinted on my heart. "I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. But take it from me when I say it will get better over time. Right now all you can do is not mourn over the absence of him, but to be grateful for the memories you've had with him." Those words coming out of my mouth were lies. All utter lies. It has been three years, and I still feel the same pain I felt when Anthony left. Really all I can do is upset myself and drink alcohol to forget the pain I feel.

But then I saw a small smile forming at the edge of his mouth. Still looking down at the photo, I saw a hint of hope in his eyes. I could see the darkness enlightening and giving him motivational reason. Again, I should really learn to keep my mouth shut.


	3. Chapter 3

fear [feer]

noun

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain,etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

* * *

It was 3am that night when I couldn't sleep. After being at the pub for so long, I thought I'd be tired. I stared blankly at the ceiling, trying to clear the thoughts the alcohol hadn't. Then it rang. I looked over at my cell phone that I haven't received calls on, unless it was telemarketing. The sudden light blurred my vision a little, so I grabbed it to get a closer look at it. The name read _Anthony Padilla_.

I nearly dropped my phone trying to answer it, but I managed to answer and I let out a croaked, "Hello?"

"Ian?" said the voice at the other side of the line. It sounded somewhat desperate. Hearing his voice. Hearing his voice after three years made me completely and utterly speechless. "Ian, are you there?"

"I-I'm here." I stuttered.

"I have to tell you something." His voice was shaking. What could have possibly been so important that made Anthony call me at 3am after not talking for 3 damn years? I have to admit, I was angry. He knew my cell phone number. He just called it. But he never had the time to call me before?!

I heard him take a deep breath before he let out another word. "Earlier today, Kristen and I went for a nice lunch." _Right. He calls her Kristen._ I heard him take another deep breath. Why is he telling me this? "It was so beautiful. I never thought having lunch could ever be so beautiful." His voice cracked at the word _beautiful_. He cleared his throat and took another deep breath. "She was actually just eating a salad, because of her morning sicknesses…" He paused. _Morning sickness? _Was she pregnant? Was Kalel pregnant with Anthony's baby? Is that why he was calling me? No. He kept on talking. "The next thing I knew, her face turned from a smile to fear. There was an explosion at the back of the restaurant, and a fire started." A fire? Today? Wait… in L.A. "The guy sitting at the table next to us ran towards the fire to see if anyone was hurt, but off went another explosion. Now, this one made my ears ring. I couldn't hear anything. My first instinct was to grab Kristen and get out. The fog spread too quickly and I couldn't see her. I heard her scream my name and I searched for her." His voice was shaking a lot at this point. I heard him sniff, like he was crying. Then he took in another deep breath. "I found her, but she was out. I picked her up, and tried to find the nearest exit, and cried for help. I screamed as loud as I could. But then everything turned black." Could this be the same fire that the man at the pub spoke about? "I-I woke up in the hospital. I couldn't hear or see anything. Just muffled voices and obscured vision. Then the sound burst into my ears and the light came into my eyes with no warning. I found myself on one of those rolling hospital beds." Rolling hospital beds? He's 30 years old and he didn't even know what to call a gurney. "I heard one of the doctors announce that I was awake, and I looked around. I got scared and I screamed for Kristen. I just screamed her name, over and over again. One of the doctors looked concerned and told me it will be okay. I began crying at that point. I still screamed for her." No. I couldn't take this in all at once. It was just too much for me. "I told them I was fine and that I just wanted to see my wife. I asked them if she was okay, but they didn't answer me. I screamed at them, I threw a tantrum until they gave me an answer. The oldest doctor looked at me with pitiful eyes, and apologized. Apologized for what? He told me that she didn't make it. The girl I have spent 7 years with didn't make-" Then I heard him choke on his last word. He was crying. I heard each sob come after the other.

"I'm so sorry. Anthony," When I said his name, I felt the burn again. I haven't said his name in so long. "I really wish there was something I could do for you. I do."

He tried taking a deep breath, but it came in parts. As if he didn't hear what I just said, he said something that just made him break down. "The baby…" He couldn't hold it in. I've never heard him cry like this before. "I'm so sorry, Ian! I'm so sorry. _I miss you!_" He was screaming. He was yelling my name. I was terrified. Right there, I hung up the phone. I ran out of my house with my keys, wallet and cell phone. I got into my car with those three objects, not even wearing any shoes. _What am I doing?_ I drove as fast as I could to get to L.A. I was driving as fast as I could to see me best friend again.


	4. Chapter 4

**num·in·ous**

_adjective_

describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted-the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired.

* * *

Six hours of non-stop driving. Except of course, stopping to get gas. But it took me more than six hours to get from Sacramento to L.A. Why did I do it? I don't know. I guess this was a good excuse to go see my best friend I haven't seen in over three years. I stopped at his house, praying to god this was still his address. I checked my watch, and it read _10:01am_. I rang the doorbell in my pajamas, with no shoes, and looking like a complete mess. The next thing I knew, I was standing face to face with him. I was looking straight at Anthony. His face was swollen from hours spent crying, he had burns all over his arms and a few on his face. Some looking like the flesh was still raw. I fell into him, into his embrace that I haven't felt in what seemed like an eternity. I let a few teardrops fall down my face and onto his shirt.

"Anthony-" I started, but he shushed me, still holding me in his embrace. I let go, and I looked up at him. I could see his eyes welling up with tears again. He invited me inside, and it was just like it used to be… except for one thing. There was a whole area piled up with baby toys and equipment. I looked at him, only to see him looking at the ground. "I am so sorry." I said each word with genuine sincerity. "I know how hard this is for you-" but he cut me off again.

"Don't give me that. Don't say you know, because you don't. You didn't lose the one you love. You didn't lose your baby. She's gone, Ian. Sh-she's… she's…" His lips were quivering and forehead was crinkled together. I couldn't see his eyes behind the thick layer of tears building up.

"You think I don't know what it's like to lose someone I love, Anthony? Because I sure as hell do know how it feels. I wish I could tell you it would get better, but it WON'T. It only gets worse overtime! Don't listen to bullshit people say about it getting better. Because it NEVER will!" What did I just say? Why did I just say that? I saw the look of disbelief on his face, followed by anger and disappointment.

"Why are you here, then?! To come tell me that it won't get better? I thought, out of all people, you would be the one that is there for me! I thought you would be the one to support me, Ian! Why are you making this about you? It's not always about you! IT'S NOT!" His voice scared me. I know I said something terribly wrong, but it was the truth.

"Anthony, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I was just-"

"You were just what, Ian? Upset? Angry? You were what? What makes you think you can talk like that in my house? I've missed you Ian. But I didn't know you changed."

"Yes, I changed. People change. Actually, I didn't even bother stepping out of my house for one whole week, the streak breaker being the lack of food!" I couldn't help but get angry. He never felt what I felt, and he thinks he can go blaming me for changing? "You want to know what happened to me? I'll tell you. I hung on to that promise you made a few years back. I held onto it, and I believed it. I believed that you would come back, but you didn't. You never even bothered calling!" I was on the verge of tears, but I managed to hold them back. "You don't know the half of it. You can get mad at me all you want for being insensitive, but that's how I've felt for the past years." There was a long pause, turning into an awkward silence. "Look, I came here because I wanted to make sure you were okay. Hearing the news about Kalel devastates me. It does, because she was an amazing person. I could see how she looked at you and I could see that she loved you. I'm here to support you, Anthony. Whatever it takes. I'll be here."

I was in a tight embrace with Anthony, and he whispered a small "thank you" in my ear that made my stomach ache.

* * *

I'm sorry for the chapters being so short :c

If they're too long, they'd be too draggy. But I'll try to make them longer! c:


	5. Chapter 5

_**ath·a·za·gor·a·pho·bi·a**_  
_noun_  
the fear of forgetting, being forgotten, or being replaced.

* * *

I woke up on what seemed to be Anthony's couch, as I remember falling asleep while watching TV next to him. A light weight on my shoulder made me look to my right side and notice Anthony's head rest on me. I smiled a little bit, feeling my cheeks redden, but only to realize he couldn't have done that on purpose. Please, how could I think Anthony could ever have feelings for me? Before he woke up, I tried to close my eyes, resting my head on his and trying to enjoy his head fitting perfectly at the angle of my neck.

After the feeling I felt with his head on me, the mere thought of ever losing him again made me feel something worse than unhappiness. The pain it caused me was like feeling parts of my heart that revolved around him fall into a never ending abyss of forgotten and painful memories. Even though I'm with him right now, wishing for nothing more but for him to notice how I feel about him, I can still sense his distress. I know how much he loved her. I know how much he loved her, and there's nothing I can do about it, but wait. I can support him as much as I can, just to show him how much I truly do love him. I have to admit, I do miss Kalel terribly. She was a wonderful person and she didn't deserve to die the way she did. It devastates me to know that she had such a great future ahead of her, only to be ended with a fire in a restaurant. She made Anthony so happy, and that made me happy. Well, somewhat happy. I haven't felt genuine happiness in years. Not once in 3 years have I felt the familiar pleasure I used to get when he was around. I haven't felt happiness until today.

I felt Anthony's head move a little to make himself comfortable, and it made my stomach churn. Not in a way that made me feel sick, but in a way that made me feel good. I saw him flutter his eyes open, but I quickly shut mine, so he wouldn't think I was awake. I know, what a childish thing to do, but I couldn't let him know this way. I pretended to be in a deep sleep, as I feel the weight pull off of my shoulder, being replaced by a cold breeze.

"What the..." I heard him say. I felt his stare on my face, burning through me. I felt the need to open my eyes and tell him how I felt when his head was rested on me, but I restrained myself. Then, the strangest thing happened. I felt his head weight on my shoulder again, leaving a stupid grin on my face. Could this actually be happening? I let my head lightly fall on his, and I felt him move it a bit to get comfortable. Just the fact that Anthony is fully conscious right now made me feel like I could be jumping off the walls. He was conscious, and he had his head leaning on me. He had his head leaning on me, and I felt happy. I closed my eyes and let my subconscious take over my mind.

* * *

_I picked up his head and held it close to my chest, sobbing, waiting for him to open his eyes. "Anthony, you can't do this to me!" My hands, red with blood that seeped out while escaping my body made contact with older man's face. I bent down, kissed his forehead and left my lips lingering there. A salty tear slid down my cheek and onto his forehead. I whispered something to him that I never got the chance to tell him. "I love you." My tears came down one by one, forceful to keep the sadness fall away in the form of a liquid. They say that miracles only happen to those who have done something remarkable in their lives. Something like a selfless good deed. What can explain a miracle but the forces of the universe and the beings that aren't on this physical world? After hearing a gasp come from the person that I thought to be dead, I believed it was a miracle. I believed that we didn't need explanations for miracles, as long as it teaches you to be grateful. His familiar, warm chocolate eyes opened and locked with my crystal blue ones. He gave me a small smile while his eyes locked with mine and I heard him say something I've been longing to hear for a long time._

_"I'm here."_

* * *

The booming sound of a commercial made me jolt from the comfortable position I was in. I saw Anthony do the same, but saw him turn off the TV immediately. "Damn TV." I heard him say under his breath. He fell back on the couch, looking blankly at the black screen of his living room television.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him, trying to make eye contact with him.

"Honestly Ian, I thought it couldn't get worse." He admitted to me. "I had a nightmare. Well, more like a memory. Ian, I want it to go away!" His eyes were filling up with tears and I felt pity welling up inside me.

"Anthony, I think you need to get out of here for awhile." His brown eyes looked up at me with a questioned look on his face. "I think you should stay with me for a few weeks." I was hoping he would smile at my offer and gladly take it.

"You're right." His agreement made me smile on the inside. "I can't stand it here. There are too many memories and I feel like she should still be here. But she isn't. She's gone, Ian." He stopped talking for awhile, then stood up. "I should go pack." He left up the stairs to his bedroom, and I heard the door shut. Just after that, I heard the doorbell ring. I stood up slowly to open the door, only to reveal someone I haven't seen for a long, long time. Standing at the door with a box of chocolate in his hands, was Joey Graceffa.


	6. Chapter 6

GUYS, I'M STILL ALIVE! I'm so sorry for the lack of posting, but here it is! Chapter 6! I've just been busy lately, but I'll be more efficient in posting now :)

* * *

_**dis|tress  
noun  
**__extreme anxiety, sorrow, or pain._

One look at Joey's fresh emerald eyes, I knew he was here for one thing. The white of his eyes began to turn a pink color as his eyes welled up with tears. At this point, crying is really all you can do. The next thing he did was something that I've never particularly experienced. He gave me one of the warmest hugs I've received in more than three years. I gladly accepted the hug, feeling his tears leak through my shirt.

"Is Anthony here?" He croaked out, wiping a running tear with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, he's in his room. He'll be back soon." I told him. "Why don't you sit for a while?" As Joey sat down, I heard a soft meow come from behind me. I saw Buki walk past me, and onto Joey's lap. With that happening, Joey broke down. "I'll go check on Anthony." I announced, heading to Anthony's room. As I hesitantly opened the door, I saw Anthony holding one of Kalel's shirts, and his face buried in it. I heard soft sobs go through the thin fabric of the light pink shirt, and I came up behind him, most probably startling him. "Hey," He jumped, and quickly put the shirt back in the drawer that it belonged in.

"You okay?" I was worried for him. I couldn't handle seeing him with this much sadness. It killed me on the inside to know he was so unhappy.

"Y-Yeah. I'm almost done." He wiped off several tears with the back of his hand, and looked up at me. We made eye contact for a few seconds which made time stop for me. I felt the burning need to take him in my arms and never let him go. I wanted to cry out everything in my mind that has been restrained for too long. But he looked away, and packed the last few things laying lazily on his bed into his bag.

"Um... Joey's here to see you." I tried getting his eye contact one more time, but instead he walked past me and heard him go to the living room where Joey's hands were covering his red face. As I followed Anthony outside, I went to see him and Joey in an embrace, where it was more sad than comforting. Anthony was sobbing, and Joey tried giving him a reassuring pat on the back. Joey was the one to break the embrace and look Anthony straight in the eyes.

"Everything will be just fine. Okay Anthony?" He tried to get a nod from the man in front of him, but instead received another sob. "Anthony, look at me." Anthony's head moved up to gain eye contact with Joey again. "You are a very strong person. And even though she's not physically here, her love was too strong for you, and that will never change. She will always be in all of our hearts, Anthony. She will always be in your heart." Back in the embrace they were in before just made me feel... bad. I don't know why, but it feels like what Joey said to him was just beautiful, but the worst thing anyone can hear at the same time. She will never come back. Only the mere presence of her love will accompany him, but is that really there? Isn't it the soul that goes beyond this place we call earth? The soul that contains the love that we feel for others? The soul that makes us feel like we're human? Her love isn't there. It's an illusion that makes us believe our gone loved ones are still here. They're not. They are somewhere far away from our reach.

As my trail of thought left me to ignore everything around me, I heard Anthony's voice say, "Ian, I'm ready." I looked up and saw him standing in front of me with a bag clutched in his hands, waiting to leave the house with the memories of his lover. I tried giving him a reassuring smile and I walked towards him. I grabbed the bag from his hands, and walked outside to put it in the trunk of my car. As I turned around, I saw him with his back facing me, and his eyes admiring the sweet memories of the house. I lightly grabbed his shoulder, feeling as if he knew I was going to do that. "I'm coming." He turned back around and headed towards the car.

As I stepped on the gas, I saw his head following the direction of the house. "Don't worry, Anthony." I tried reassuring him. "You'll be okay. I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

_**con·tri·tion**_  
_**noun**_  
the state of feeling remorseful and penitent.

* * *

As I slowly pulled up on my driveway, I looked over to my right to reveal a sleeping Anthony with his head leaning on the window. I spent time looking at him, smiling to myself, realizing that I liked him a lot better when he didn't look stressed out. Whether it was seconds, minutes or hours, I lightly tapped him on the shoulder and whispered, "We're here."

His eyes opened sleepily and let out a moan of exhaustion. He looked over at me and smiled weakly, and looked at the house sitting in front of him. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I could see he was looking at it in regret.

"It's been a... a long time." he said. I nodded in agreement. "Ian," he turned to me. "I'm so sorry for leaving like that. It's just... I just couldn't be with you." What? I was confused. "She got upset." I'm assuming she is Kalel. "She didn't mind me coming to you, but it was coming to Sacramento every week. She just... thought she wasn't spending enough time with me." Please. Kalel never liked me. I always thought she was a good person, but she just never liked me.

"It's okay Anthony. You're-" but he cut me off.

"NO!" he protested. "Ian, it's not okay! You're just saying that! It is not okay! Ian, I left you! You were my best friend, and I promised I would come back! It's been _three fucking years_ without you! I missed you! I tried calling, but I was afraid that when you answered the phone, you wouldn't talk to me like my best friend! I'm so sorry, Ian! I-" and I did exactly what he did to me.

"ANTHONY!" I yelled at him. He looked at me with teary eyes that haven't changed since I saw him the day before. I looked into them, noticing the regret filled inside him, and I pulled him into my arms. As he accepted my hug, it felt like hours. I closed my eyes, letting my other senses do the work, feeling his arms wrapped around me. "It's okay, Anthony. Anthony, I'm here now. You're here." As he let go, he looked into my eyes. The smile he gave me was weak, and meaningful. "Are you ready?" I asked him. He hesitantly nodded, and slowly stepped out of the car, eyes locked onto the house. As I grabbed his luggage, I walked in front of him, cueing him to follow.

When we walked into the house, Anthony observed it closely, taking a while to have a look around the living room. "Wow…" He said. "Nothing's changed." The look of recall on his face made me feel unsure. What if this wasn't a good idea? What if this would just make him sadder?

"Do you want a drink?" I asked politely. He shook his head, and walked around, observing the things he's already seen before.

"I really missed this place." He whispered. I looked over at him, staring a picture of us from when we were 18, and he let out a small chuckle. "You kept this?" I couldn't help but smile.

"Of course I did. You really thought I'd throw that out?" I stood close to him, looking at the same picture.

"Your bowl is ridiculous." He stated. I never thought hearing something like that come from Anthony would make me feel so happy. A large smile crept up on my face, while still staring at the photo. I let out a small laugh, earning a look from Anthony. A small smile formed on his face.

"What?" He asked.

"Oh, nothing." I lied.

"No, seriously. What?" He insisted.

"Well," I began. "it's just that I haven't heard you say that in years. You know… hearing it now was just… It felt…" I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk anymore. The voice got stuck in my throat, a force not allowing it to pass through. It was my turn. It was my turn to cry. It was my turn to feel pain again. It was my turn to have Anthony embrace me.

"Ian…" He started.

"I'm fine." I said, wiping tears. "I'm fine." I gave him a forced smile. "I'm okay." The smile was unconvincing as another tear slid down my face, quickly wiping it off.

"Ian, stop." He stepped closer to me. "Please… don't cry." Taking another step, his thumb reached my face to wipe away a falling tear. The touch of his hand made me close me eyes. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? I opened my mouth to say something, but his other hand came up to shush me. When I opened my eyes, I saw his brown eyes staring straight into mine. The stare was filled with so many emotions. I couldn't break away the connection. I felt it. It felt like something just… clicked. It felt like I fell into a pool of water after being dehydrated for so long. It felt like coming back to life. It felt like love "I uh…" He stuttered, not leaving the gaze. "I have to go to the bathroom." And at that, he looked away, and walked towards the bathroom.


End file.
